When I was very young, about 5-years-old, I remember my mom, sisters and I would make Angel and Indian costumes out of our left over grocery paper bags. At that age, Peter Pan was my favorite movie and I always dreamt of flying, so, naturally I chose to make and wear the Angel paper bag costume. With great excitement I cut out the holes for my arms and head. Out of another bag, I cut out the wings which I drew the feathers on and stapled onto the back of my costume.
If there is anything I've never lacked, it would be zeal. I always have had plenty of zeal but little wisdom.
So, like the zealous child I was, I put on my Angel costume and told my mom, "I'm going to go to heaven but I will be back for dinner. I'm going to go see God." As a child, I was taught it only took faith the size of a mustard seed to move mountains. I had the faith. I believed God would move whatever mountains were in my way so I could fly up to heaven.
It was windy that Saturday afternoon as I made my way outside. I planted my feet in front of the kitchen window where my mom watched me from inside, with a smile on her face. In my brown paper bag Angel costume I waited in the wind. I waved to my mom in great anticipation that anytime now God was going to take me up, so, I continued to wait in the wind. Nothing was happening. Yet, I continued to wait. With what seemed like waiting forever and my patience running low, I thought God needed some help, so, I started jumping. Nothing. After a few more jumps, I gave up. Upset, I made my way back inside. It was in that moment, for the first time I doubted God. I doubted God's existence and God's ability to come through.
Since my coming out three years ago, I have learned many life changing lessons. You may call them "Aha moments." The first lesson being, learning how to live my life authentically and honestly in every way. For a while, I tried to do that within the Christian faith. Was it attainable? Yes. But the more I studied theology, different religions and the history of Christianity; I found it harder to believe in a monotheistic faith let alone the Christian faith.
I began to see how much God looked like me and I didn't like that. In other words, God was becoming nothing more than a reflection of myself.
I understand this blog site is titled, "Writings of a gay Evangelical." When I first started it, that was the case. However, in the near future I will probably be changing that.
So, what is the point of me posting this? Well, I feel the need to continue my journey of living authentically and honestly. Many of you have been on this journey with me since my coming out and I want to keep you posted with where I'm at. So, this is where I'm at... an unbeliever.
At this time in my life, I refuse to try to define and understand God anymore. Is that easy? Hell no. However, by doing that, it allows God to be in control. It also takes God out of the pretty little box I put Her/Him in.
There are very few things I am sure of in life. Of those few things, I am sure there is a Creator and I am sure this Creator wants me to live authentically and honestly.
With the little faith I have, I will do that.