When I was very young, about 5-years-old, I remember my mom, sisters and I would make Angel and Indian costumes out of our left over grocery paper bags. At that age, Peter Pan was my favorite movie and I always dreamt of flying, so, naturally I chose to make and wear the Angel paper bag costume. With great excitement I cut out the holes for my arms and head. Out of another bag, I cut out the wings which I drew the feathers on and stapled onto the back of my costume.
If there is anything I've never lacked, it would be zeal. I always have had plenty of zeal but little wisdom.
So, like the zealous child I was, I put on my Angel costume and told my mom, "I'm going to go to heaven but I will be back for dinner. I'm going to go see God." As a child, I was taught it only took faith the size of a mustard seed to move mountains. I had the faith. I believed God would move whatever mountains were in my way so I could fly up to heaven.
It was windy that Saturday afternoon as I made my way outside. I planted my feet in front of the kitchen window where my mom watched me from inside, with a smile on her face. In my brown paper bag Angel costume I waited in the wind. I waved to my mom in great anticipation that anytime now God was going to take me up, so, I continued to wait in the wind. Nothing was happening. Yet, I continued to wait. With what seemed like waiting forever and my patience running low, I thought God needed some help, so, I started jumping. Nothing. After a few more jumps, I gave up. Upset, I made my way back inside. It was in that moment, for the first time I doubted God. I doubted God's existence and God's ability to come through.
Since my coming out three years ago, I have learned many life changing lessons. You may call them "Aha moments." The first lesson being, learning how to live my life authentically and honestly in every way. For a while, I tried to do that within the Christian faith. Was it attainable? Yes. But the more I studied theology, different religions and the history of Christianity; I found it harder to believe in a monotheistic faith let alone the Christian faith.
I began to see how much God looked like me and I didn't like that. In other words, God was becoming nothing more than a reflection of myself.
I understand this blog site is titled, "Writings of a gay Evangelical." When I first started it, that was the case. However, in the near future I will probably be changing that.
So, what is the point of me posting this? Well, I feel the need to continue my journey of living authentically and honestly. Many of you have been on this journey with me since my coming out and I want to keep you posted with where I'm at. So, this is where I'm at... an unbeliever.
At this time in my life, I refuse to try to define and understand God anymore. Is that easy? Hell no. However, by doing that, it allows God to be in control. It also takes God out of the pretty little box I put Her/Him in.
There are very few things I am sure of in life. Of those few things, I am sure there is a Creator and I am sure this Creator wants me to live authentically and honestly.
With the little faith I have, I will do that.
Be love,
Azariah Southworth
During my teenage years, I prayed and prayed for God to 'cure' me of being gay, and because He was obviously not listening to me at all, I gave Him up. 30 years later I found myself at a major crossroads, and fully gave myself up to Christ as my saviour. Just a few years into my new journey, I am in constant battle with my doubts, and I question my faith regularly. I'm more open about being gay than being a follower of Christ, and that plagues me.
ReplyDeleteWhen someone says, "I'll pray for you" it still smacks of cliché (to my ears), but you are in my thoughts as you find your own path. Peace be with your mind and heart.
I must confess I have little or nu use for organized religion and never have, but I have searched for answers to the big questions as well; knowing in the back of my mind that something greater than myself existed.
ReplyDeleteThat nagging feeling, be it some psychological defect or chemical imbalance, has given a great gift of discovering and establishing my own personal deeply intimate relationship that which is greater than myself.
There are many books and philosophies out there we can pick and choose, learn, disregard, grow from.
Ultimately, we write our own.
Having compassion for others as well as ourselves goes a long way as well as knowing we are all connected no matter how divergent we may appear on the surface.
That you share your experience and allow others to question and learn is gift that you alone can provide.
So on your sabbatical from finding "GOD" maybe you can spend a little time on yourself and better nurture that which is you.
We have two jobs in this life and only two; loving others and most importantly allowing ourselves to be loved (and that includes by ourselves not just from others).
Feel the energy of life and revel in the joy of being. After all, if there is a "GOD" (singular) I am pretty sure the only thing that is wanted for us is to be happy and to be thankful. Not so very much to ask.
As an athiest I cannot relate to such blind fate. We don't need to believe in a higher power to lead authentic, honest and compassionate lives.
ReplyDeleteAzariah-
ReplyDeleteWe have very similar stories. I have wanted to let go and walk away--many times. The thing is, God won't let me go. Truly, it would be easier and a hell of a lot less stressful. The trick is to somehow separate the truth of your identity as a child of God (who just happens to be gay) with the spiritual abuses of the past.
A trick indeed...because the wounds at the hand of those who claim to "speak for god" are the hardest to heal. My life is a testament to that. Never stop seeking wise counsel. For me, though they both have differing opinions, I love listening to Tony and Peggy Campolo.
This is a hard time that all Christian believers go through whether they admit it or not. I recently went through this, though I never admitted to being an unbeliever, circumstances in my life that seemed like God was against me left me with no faith. I was numb towards God, and somewhat angry. I have slowly been nurtured back into a relationship with Christ, though I'm not exactly sure how it happened, I believe sometimes we are not capable of having enough faith to trust in God, and its up to Him to reach down and pick us up. For whatever reason that may be, I do believe it makes us stronger Christians in the end, its not easy, but I don't recall God ever promising us to lead us into an easy comfortable life. My life expectations cloud this concept sometimes but someones life will suck, and sometimes for no good reason, it just sucks. God is mysterious, and sometimes the disappointments that come from Him I think are really disappointments from the God we make Him out to be. I hope things become clear for you soon, and that God leads you in the true and authentic faith that will match your true and authentic lifestyle. God bless you Azariah, praying for you!
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteThank you, Azariah; for having the courage to write this. I've been reading and re-reading this post for many months now. It's struck a note with me; something I've been trying to resolve in myself for over a year now.
ReplyDeleteI can totally relate to where you've been, and some of the turning points, "Aha moments" that led you to where you're at now (or were, at the time of this blog post).
It's kind of scary, honestly. Losing that certainty I used to have. And even when the certainty was gone; to still have that comfortable familiarity of the faith I'd always been raised in. It's not something I left out of anger, or pride. But doubt. Ever increasing and persistent doubt.
Talking about it with others has been another scary process. Most of my friends are Christians, strong believers. And I fear what kind of reaction I'd get from them by opening up about my struggles with faith. In so many ways, it parallels the coming out process from a few years ago. "Will I lose my friendships?" "Will I be seen as 'less than' by my Christian friends?" "Will they think me morally lacking in values?" The parallels are SO there.
I really do feel lost at the moment; fatalistic, even. The few people I've spoken with directly have been supportive. They're Christian, yet told me my feelings are something they have had to deal with themselves at times. So in that way I don't feel quite so alone. In a way, I'm glad to know you've struggled with this yourself, and come away with a very positive outlook about the whole thing. I'm inspired to know I may do the same someday soon.
Again, thank you.
danielc56 :)
The opposite of faith is not doubt, it is certainty.
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteI commend you for your authenticity and transparency Az. My journey has been nearly identical and I'm sure there are many others who can relate. Thanks for putting in words the story that many of us share.
ReplyDeleteIn school I was taught that 40 was the ancient way of saying many or several. So 40 days and nights would be many days and nights. 40 years would be "a very long time".Christian tv
ReplyDelete